I Drive Myself Crazy
by miarae
Summary: [ONEPARTER] I drive myself crazy and I don’t know how to stop. Accompanying piece to Behind These Hazel Eyes. Please read that one first! Ron's POV


**Title:** I Drive Myself Crazy

**Summary: **I drive myself crazy and I don't know how to stop.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything HP related.

**A/N: Accompanying piece to Behind These Hazel Eyes. Please read that one first!**

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I drive myself crazy and I don't know how to stop. I know I hurt you Hermione, more than you deserve. More than anybody would deserve. You're right to hate me. I would hate me. In fact, I do. I hate myself so much that I feel sick just thinking about how you must feel. I don't want you to hate me but I deserve it. I deserve you telling our kids exactly how much of a jerk their father is. They shouldn't be loving me, wanting me to come back. They should be wanting me to stay away. Like you do.

You telling me that broke my heart. Guess I deserve that; after all, I broke yours too. I hope it isn't beyond repair. I hope someday there will be someone who can mend it. I hope that someone can be me.

I love you Hermione. So much that it scares me. That's what drove me away. You. Us. Our family. Being with you, being so happy. I just...I couldn't believe that this was it. But in a good way. I couldn't believe something so good could be everlasting. So I destroyed it. To prove myself right. That's about the only possible explanation I can give you. You deserve so much more, I know, and I wish I could give it to you.

_Lying in your arms, so close together,_

_Didn't know just what I had._

_Now I toss and turn, cause I'm without you,_

_How I'm missing you so bad._

_Where was my head?_

_Where was my heart?_

_Now I cry alone in the dark._

I was scared. Of the future. Of you waking up one day and realising that you were married to me. A loser. I didn't want you to realise you could get so much better. I didn't want you to leave, so I left you before you could. And now, your letter...it made me wonder whether you would have. Maybe you did see qualities I didn't. Maybe I should have talked to you about it. Would you have understood me? Would you have known how much this had gnawed at my heart? The uncertainty...the pain. I'm not worth you Hermione. You're so much better than I am. I don't know how to make you see why I did it. Maybe it's just this...maybe you finding out the reason I did it is enough to make you see that I really am worth nothing.

_I was such a fool, I couldn't see it._

_Just how good you were to me_

_You confessed your love, and dying devotion._

_And now I'm left with all this pain,_

_I've only got my self to blame._

I want you back. Being all by myself, miserable and alone, made me see that what we had was real. Not too good to be true, but just...perfect. We did belong together Hermione. I know that and part of you knows it too because you are still signing your letters with my name. You aren't really free of me yet, are you? God, I hope you aren't. I hope I still have a shot. To make everything right again. To prove to you and myself that we can be together and happy. I want to show you that I love you with all my heart. Because I do. Please believe me. It was never like that. I never cheated or stopped loving you. I was just scared of everything, scared of ruining every good thing we had. I was scared of myself.

_Why didn't I know it_

_(how much I loved you baby)_

_Why couldn't I show it_

_(if I had only told you)_

_When I had the chance_

_Oh I had the chance_

Do I still have a chance Hermione? Can you give me that chance? I really want to prove to you that I can be better. You are right, you were the one that made me a man. You were so perfect, and I destroyed everything. You are right to hate me. I wish I could make you see why I was so scared. Why I wanted you to hate me. I didn't want us to become like so many couples: fighting, hating each other, but being bound by marriage. I didn't want to destroy everything so bad that we could never repair it anymore. Most of all, I didn't want you to leave me.

I'll take that chance now 'Mione. I'll come back and if you want to leave me you can. I will let you. I'm not so scared anymore now. Nothing can be as bad as being without you, not being able to watch our kids grow up. I want to see if they really do look as much like me as you said. I want to know if that hope you have in your heart can turn into love again. I will come to see you. I hope you let me. Because I need you. I can't go on without you.

_I lie awake. I drive myself crazy,_

_Drive myself crazy, thinkin' of you_

_Made a mistake when I let you go baby_

_I drive myself crazy_

_Wanting you the way that I do_

I love you Hermione Weasley.

With all my heart,

Ron Weasley.

**Review please!**


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